Portfolio marriage = flexing over time

For years I've been bothered by Charles Handy's idea of a "portfolio marriage" in Age of Unreason, always thinking he meant serial monogamy--different marriages for different stages of your life.

Apparently I wasn't a careful reader 20 years ago, because, as I discovered upon re-reading that section of the book yesterday, his vision isn't one of changing marriage partners; his vision is one of changing patterns in a marriage--"a portfolio of possibilities," he calls it.

In successful marriages, spouses are able to flex over the lifetime of their relationship. Sometimes you get to take the lead, other times you play a supporting role. There will be times that your roles are ambiguous and overlap and other times your roles are clear and separate. Occasionally you might be "friendly rivals" in your careers and there may be periods when you each want, above all, just to pursue your own interests--maybe in retirement. The first part of this video gives some insight into how Handy and his wife, who is a successful photographer, sustain their marriage.

Writes Handy, "Too often a change in partner is the way many people match their need for a marriage with the need for change. . .If they do not realize that it is only the patterns which are changing, then it is the relationship which breaks."

There are many reasons marriages founder, of course, but I do think Handy was on to something. Circumstances change, people change, relationships change, and we have to be open to all of it and adjust. At the very least, we can wait it out. As we say about the weather in West Michigan, if you don't like it, just wait five minutes.